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Jokes
These are the more recent additions
I get jokes all the time in emails. Most are dumb or obscene, but a few made me laugh. I hope you enjoy them.
NEW - Christmas Shopping Parking Lot!
Budweiser A feeling that lasts
New Funny "Understanding"
Christmas Special - Wrong Gift Again Kentucky Math (Funny Ma & Pa Kettle Classic)
All New idiots! - Idiot 1 Idiot 2 Idiot 3 Idiot with Jeep
Dedication, pure dedication
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values......
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? "
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he aswered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Men's BBQ Grills
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
The Funeral Procession
A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub w/ a tailgate feeder.
Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway 481.
The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was stunned. 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend.'
The hunter shrugged. 'Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.'
So there I was . . . just relaxing in front of the T.V. when the kids yelled, "Hey Mom, come see the kittens."...................
The
exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you
poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."
Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin
Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some
unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I
embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A
modest little person, with much to be modest
about." - Winston Churchill
"I have
never killed a man, but I have read many
obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has
never been known to use a word that might send
a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about
Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor
Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come
from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William
Faulkner)
"Thank
you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll
waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can
compress the most words into the smallest idea
of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I
didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has
no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am
enclosing two tickets to the first night of my
new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot
possibly attend first night, will attend
second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in
response.
"I feel
so miserable without you; it's almost like
having you here." - Stephen Bishop
He is a
self-made man and worships his creator." -
John Bright
"I've
just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is
not only dull himself, he is the cause of
dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is
simply a shiver looking for a spine to run
up." - Paul Keating
"There's
nothing wrong with you that reincarnation
won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
"He has
the attention span of a lightning bolt." -
Robert Redford
"They
never open their mouths without subtracting from
the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He
loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -
Forrest Tucker
"Why do
you sit there looking like an envelope without
any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His
mother should have thrown him away and kept the
stork." - Mae West
"Some
cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde
"He uses
statistics as a drunken man uses
lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has
Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've
had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this
wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." Patient: "Is it common?" Doc: "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A Classic I have not seen for 20 years
The Web site Jalopnik is featuring this photo taken at the Texas State Fair. It shows a Toyota Truck racing trailer being towed by a Chevrolet Silverado. Jalopnik concludes that Toyota doesn't have a pickup capable of hauling the trailer and says, "...it's probably a little embarrassing to have the competition hauling you around by your trailer hitch." Even Toyota needs a Chevrolet Silverado.
